3rd 1st Annual Headtorchruns Marathon

Marathons are pretty simple things. Run a measured 26.2 miles along a well-marked course, go as fast as you think you can sustain, wave at the crowds and finish with triumph under an inflatable arch accompanied by a band or a DJ playing that latest hippity hop music (see I’m down with the kids).

The 3rd 1st Annual Headtorchruns Marathon is exactly not like that. Run a dark and mysterious route with some run guides, re-group at times to ensure nobody has been eaten by vicious night cows, and if lucky you’ll pass a few drunks on the way home from the pub who might cheer you on. It’s ridiculously pointless fun.

If you’ve only ever run London Marathon you’d struggle to get your head around this. No marching band at the end, but there is beer and food. Plus it’s all for charity so you’d be a bit of a knob not to take part really. In an odd twist on entrance process, you pay £35 to sign up, and if you turn up on the day you can get £30 back and just pay the £5. If you don’t like funding charities that is. 😊

If you’d like to help fund an excellent cause then please visit http://www.virginmoneygiving.com/markthornberry

An actual Giraffe

A few people had recommended the event from last year and it seemed a good if perverse way to squeeze one last marathon in before the end of the year. The entry list started to fill up and it was a who’s who of running idiots I’d met over the trails (at least one of whom continually disappoints by not looking like his giraffe photo on Twitter).

I managed to rope in two mates to join me. Stephen was finishing off a monster year of marathons including 7 in 7 days, and Gary will agree to most events if there is beer present so was up for only his second marathon as he normally runs ultra for which he’s cultivated the obligatory beard. So late on a Saturday afternoon we bundled into Stephens car and headed down via McDonalds. Being responsible passengers Gary and I waited a while before opening the beers to ready ourselves for the event.

The start is at Mickleham Village Hall and has the usual pre-ultra odour of skanky trail shoes and waterproofs that haven’t quite dried out from the last race. It smells like home.

Registration was manned by Lou who plied with me with beer to finish the GUCR145 when she was crewing Phil who is also somewhere in the hall with his wife Suzie, counting down the days until his Brexit unicorn whilst I’m mourning the loss of a 4 day Socialist/Marxist week.

The infamous Karen is manning the raffle table. She’s perfected the art of mocking runners over many Enigma events and is now in high demand from Race Directors who need experts to cajole and taunt people to the finish. She’s also the gatekeeper to your £30 entrance refund. Coincidentally nobody is brave enough to ask. Her better half Matt is manning the kitchen and taking delivery of the various party items dropped off by runners. I bump into fellow Do-Badder Dimi as well who’s sporting the new Bad Boy Running Club vest which looks surprisingly professional.

After the safety briefing we’re off outside and mingling about ready to start. The various guides are pointed out, including Spencer “it’s not a giraffe it’s a goat”, Ally and the main man Allan who takes the lead. It’s an odd experience to set off on a ‘race’ that isn’t one. The jostling for position is more to avoid falling over stuff than gain places.

The route as it gradually unfurls is predominantly off road and a mixture of fields, footpaths and chalky slippy stuff. The recurring theme is mud. A wet couple of months have churned up most of the UK. Having spent a 10 mile run on Boxing day failing to keep up with Stephen (my dog got bored of watching my sliding and wandered off) in my Hoka trail shoes I’ve gone for something with grip and added cheat sticks. I’m using one as it keeps the other hand free to eat or carry my cider. Priorities.

We start with around 80 runners and we spread and regroup at times. Often stopping at landmarks we can’t recognise on a field we can’t name in a location we couldn’t find again if our lives depended on it. Which it might if the guides did a runner and we needed to call emergency services to bring more beer.

The steady pace leads to the random conversations you normally get on ultras, and the regrouping mixes people up further. Topics vary from podcasts, races, family, films and eventually onto the hardship faced by those who grew up before broadband and had to rely on Eurotrash once a week for a chance of titillation. At times there’s almost too many people to chat to and I miss saying hi to Simon, the founder of the Band of Runners Podcast (a new discovery to me and I’m slowly catching up) and also the Sussex trail eventsteam.

We stop at a gate to climb a hill. It had a name. Mostly it seems to be cow shit hill based on the terrain. Looking up at the imposing hill in the dark, there’s a chorus of groans as we power hike up. The wind is stronger at the top and for the first time in the run I feel a little cool. Despite being late December it’s surprisingly warm and thankfully dry.

When we regroup later Stephen is looking a little worse for wear. After a marathon on Christmas day and runs every day since he’s probably due a rest and decides to drop out at the halfway aid station along with a few others including Stuart, who I met along with Helen way back at CW50 a couple of years back. We sip down mulled wine and eat mince pies (a proper aid station!) as they set off for the short run back. Later we bump into Helen again and debate how long is polite to leave it before ribbing our mates for dropping out early. The consensus is at least a few hours. Harsh.

For anyone used to road marathons or faster trail events, the pace can be unsettling. We’ve been on the go for over three hours and only covered a little over a half marathon. It’s final stages of a 100 miler pace, in the dark. To be dropped into this without the preceding 75 miles of decline from fresh faced runner to haggard and broken embarrassment to the species is a new experience and a reminder of my love/hate relationship with ultras, and my yes/no dilemma to next years Lakeland 100 race.

One runner is accompanied by her dog who receives relentless fuss at each stop. I’m feeling guilty I left my hound at home as the pace would likely make this a good marathon for her.

There’s a long sequence of steps that never ends and to which my stiff knee objects (a memento from this years Lakeland 100) and I’m relying on the sticks more than I’d like to. At the top we surprise a couple of lads out for a quiet evening admiring the view and getting stoned as fuck. The fug of smoke is enough to envelope all 70 remaining runners. It’s impressive that after toking sufficient pot to achieve this that they can still stand. They wander off, and it’s unclear whether they considered us a joint hallucination or not.

After one final hill at Satan’s Staircase we round the corner into the hall and descend on the food as only a herd of runners can. It’s taking over 7 hours as promised, so excellent value for money on £/hr.

Time to relax, check your mates have got back safely and wait for the raffle. The prizes are properly amazing, and I win a grand total of nothing. This doesn’t detract from a great event, and one I’d recommend if you can get your head around a night time mystery tour of the hills, and like talking rubbish to other runners who have an odd sense of fun.  I’ve clocked over 4000ft of climbing, an impressive amount in a marathon.

Tim to head back to Milton Keynes and a few hours kip before ice skating with the boy.

Meat Dodging Week 8 – two months down!

Up until starting this endeavour I would have expected fatal consequences for avoiding meat for 2 months. There just aren’t enough vegetable I eat to avoid certain death. Whilst I’m still limited, it is slowly growing and the general diet is improving (which says a lot about how poor it was before).

What’s becoming most evident is how badly I plan food and how often work means I miss meals. Still a fatty so a fair amount of snacking I must be doing subconsciously.

Monday – Granola breakfast then off to site for supervision of some crane lifts. Apple and banana on route. Missed lunch vans (again), so back home for carbonara dinner (sans meat for me) with some salad. A short 3 miler with dog in evening.

 

Tuesday – Started with a 10k with dog before a day of conference calls working from home. Cereal breakfast and scrambled egg on toast for lunch.

A poor attempt at the 640 paced run where I struggled but was better than the previous week, managed 4 miles at a not awful pace. Can’t even remember dinner. Expect I had something.

Wednesday – 9 mile run 5am, where I had the best run since Lakeland 100 broke me. Then straight to Somerset, so egg McMuffin and hash brown on route. Fruit for lunch and then headed home – I’d planned to nip out for lunch for failed due to site works. Due to family emergency the wife had to dash out and leave kids with Nana. Sat in gridlocked traffic I ordered them pizza for dinner whilst I licked the car windows for sustenance. Many many hours got home to a cold slice of pizza and bed.  Why is Somerset so far?

Thursday – Granola breakfast, fruit for snacks and meetings all day so missed lunch van multiple times. Just stared out the window at it and cried. Back home and decided in honour of a recently passed family member we should go to her favourite restaurant so off to Bella Italia. A new menu since I last went and it was excellent, went for veggie pizza with stuffed crust and baked cookie dessert. Didn’t manage to run today but pizza made up for it.

Friday – Another early start to get to Somerset so again an egg McMuffin on route. I’d been prepared with a tomato, spinach and feta pasta salad lunch but work went so badly I mostly ate Quality Street for comfort. Traffic was poor so once finally home around 8pm I tucked into the pasta salad. Pretty arse start to Xmas, and no running. Rare for me to have two days off.

 

Saturday – Failed to get up for the 6:30 club run so did parkrun with Bella. The puddles were so deep at one point that Bella had to swim. Back for breakfast of soda bread toast and peanut butter. Lunch of cheese sandwich. In an attempt to line stomach before drinking I tried a Quorn chicken tikka masala. Pretty good. Washed down with copious beers and some bad dancing.

Sunday –  Too hungover for the 6:45am run with mates, so slept in. As an Xmas treat we were booked into breakfast with Santa at Harvester. Vegan sausages, scrambled eggs and hash brown with beans. All pretty good but both the meat and veggie sausages were a bit dry, presume from the flame grilled technique used.

Once the breakfast had settler I took doggie out for a 10k to Willen lake. Much of the route was flooded but we ran anyway as she loves a paddle.

For dinner the wife made a hidden veggie sauce for meatballs and spaghetti, with very good Linda McCartney meatballs for me.

Next week is Christmas so will see how it goes dodging Turkey and pigs in blankets.

2019 – The year in running

It’s the end of 2019 so as is traditional we all look back and realise the fleeting nature of time and cry at lost opportunity and receding hairlines. Then I make sarcastic lists as it’s the easiest form of humour.

January – Surprisingly Cold

It was cold, lots of people ran and posted about how cold it was. My dog agreed and asked to be dropped off halfway through a morning run as she couldn’t feel her fingers. I pointed out she didn’t have any. She countered that she couldn’t talk either so I was probably suffering hypothermia induced delusions. It was a fair point. Mostly I ran lots as training for an ultra and got into an unhealthy competition with a local runner on a Garmin challenge and managed 360 miles. Mostly January is pretty dull. And cold. Did I mention it gets cold in the winter? Revelation.

February – Still cold

Very little happened. I pissed off to Gran Canaria to get sunburnt running up mountains on the Transgrancanaria. It was even hillier than Milton Keynes if that is conceivable. I concluded that not only am I rubbish at running up mountains, I don’t actually like running at mountains which was awkward with the Lakeland 100 coming up later in the year. I did manage to pair up with some Irish runners and figured the finish photo may help me get an EU passport.

March – Bland

Brexit happened and we left the EU on 29^th March just as May promised. It all went great, we had 40 trade deals ready to go and the British empire regained control of the world. Then Farage awoke from his wet dream and realised it was all an embarrassing mistake as we’d delayed it but it was almost certain not to be delayed again.

Weather was actually pretty good and there were no major race cancellations this year so generically dull. People ran Bath and Reading HMs and got the miles in the bag. Still not sure what bag you put miles in. Hopefully a recycled hemp one, more likely one of those drawstring bags you get from races that I love but which my wife has a deep seated loathing for.

Asics picked their latest set of Frontrunners. I was overlooked based on being a miserable bugger and as inspiring and photogenic as cat sick. My hashtag game was also weak #howdothesework #inmydaythissymboldenotednumbers #anyonefornoughtsandcrosses

April

A dog ran the MDS.

He didn’t need a personal trainer or sessions in a heat chamber just lots of pats on the head and to be told he’s a good boy. Cactus has yet to write his 24 page blog on the race detailing how he cut the tags off his top to save 0.0001g of weight and precious weeks weighing food to see if Almonds or Macadamia nuts packed more calories per gram (can dogs even eat nuts?). He did get a medal which saved him the £4.5k entry fee. Good boy. Cynical people noted MDS was down on numbers from previous years and a cute dog running it would guarantee some media coverage and encourage more entries.

Manchester marathon held a marathon length marathon, with no obvious baggage or transport disasters. This brings their mighty string of unbroken success to a whole 3 years and about a 50% success rate so they celebrated by releasing early bird specials for the following year. With booking fee on top these were just under £50. A whole year early. Bargain. Entrants were further enticed to join by promise of a new route through the city. Many hope this might also be marathon length marathon.

Nike launched the ZoomX Vaporfly NEXT% running shoe, the sequel to 4%. They were allowed to be worn by the elites at London as were available in shops prior to race day. About two shops, and a couple of days before the race. Nice gaming of the rules. Retailing at £250 it was literally minutes before a pair were up for sale at the bargain price of £1100 on FB groups.

A man dressed as Big Ben runs London and has to be helped under the finish gantry in a symbol of the goodwill of London. Later in a pub the real London shows it’s form and the costume is nicked.

The March Brexit was so good we left again on April 12th. Even more potential was unleashed.

London Marathon scores a bit of an own goal by having pacers for 7h30 to be inclusive and then closing the course ahead of them. Runners in the pack are denied aid stations, sprayed with blasts from the crews pressure washing the blue line off the route and eventually forced to complete on the pavement. Unfortunately for them the pacer documents the whole debacle and posts over social media. They’ve seemingly dealt with it well and anyone affected will be back for 2020.

Also in media issues, and the issue with influencers, one posts a photo of herself after the arduous London marathon on a drip. No not in a medical tent or hospital but sat at home the day after having been given a freebie by The IV Doc as “more and more athletes are having this, It includes fluids, vitamin B12 and multivitamins”. No, more and more athletes are not having this. As a professional life coach and motivational speaker you need to act responsibly. I’ve edited out the name as it’s a rant more about influencers and their negotiable values than a single individual. When this one was roundly criticised for promoting unnecessary medical procedures (at circa £150 a pop) when a big drink and some food would be better she handles it poorly, accusing people of being bullies.

Also at London, Jessica Anderson an actual real life, life-saving nurse runs an amazing time in her scrubs to raise funds for charity. Having approached Guinness world records in advance she confirmed on Instagram approximately a month out from the event that they “have declined my application as my uniform doesn’t meet their criteria of what a nurses uniform should be but I will still be aiming to beat the current official record time of 3hrs 8 minutes 54 seconds”. She runs an impressive 3h08m22s, faster than the record.

That could have been the end of it but Social Media explodes with indignation and eventually Guinness World Records agrees and awards her the record. Are the costume rules used by GWR outdated and in the case of the nurse outfit bordering on something you’d find in Anne Summers? Yes (the school boy record requires a school cap, tie, shirt and satchel last time I looked which whilst hopefully not sexy is equally outdated). Did they state in advance the outfit didn’t meet the rules? Yes. Should GWR change the requirements for future years or set up a new ‘modern/contemporary nurse’ category? Yes. Is it right that they caved to social media pressure and retrospectively awarded it when they normally require stringent checks and officiating for a record to stand? Opinion is divided on that.

If a bloke ran in trousers and polo shirt in an unsanctioned attempt and retrospectively tried to claim the record for fastest school boy would there have been such an outpouring of anger at GWR having outdated Dickensian outfit requirements and infantilising of children? Probably not. In the unlikely event there was a social media storm and the blokes attempt took the record from someone who was burdened with satchel, shirt, tie and hat, would that have been fair on the previous holder? Probably not. Would a new category of ‘Fastest school boy (modern)’ be more fair to all concerned?

May – Nothing exciting

London marathon announce a record year of ballot applications with 457,861 applying for 17,500 ballot spots or about a 3% chance of success. Still better odds than the lottery.

June – MK runner wins an ultra

It’s the first year of the MK24 endurance event and I bash out 104 miles and a surprise win at an ultra. Just call me Kílian Jornet and don’t focus on the small field or that my aid box was mostly beer and cider.

July – MK runner nearly gives up on life

Notable only for me, but I ran the Lakeland 100 ultra. It took forever. Half the entrants wisely went home. I knackered my feet and I hallucinated frogs. I vowed to never run again. I finished and adjusted that to never run ultras again. I’ve signed up for next year. I’m an idiot. Send help.

 

August – London Marathon Good For Age places are released

This being the first year with sufficient warning of the new qualification standard there is a rush of applicants. Due to the number of applications exceeding the 6,000 places available, the qualifying times within each age category were reduced evenly by 2 minutes and 40 seconds for men and 4 minutes and 15 seconds for women. For men it now makes London harder to qualify than Boston. For women Boston is still the harder.

Men	Qualifying standard	Qualifying times accepted
Age 18-39	sub 3:00	sub 2:57:20
Age 40-44	sub 3:05	sub 3:02:20
Age 45-49	sub 3:10	sub 3:07:20
Age 50-54	sub 3:15	sub 3:12:20
Age 55-59	sub 3:20	sub 3:17:20
Age 60-64	sub 3:45	sub 3:42:20
Age 65-69	sub 4:00	sub 3:57:20
Age 70-74	sub 5:00	sub 4:57:20
Age 75-79	sub 5:15	sub 5:12:20
Age 80+	sub 5:30	sub 5:27:20

Women	Qualifying standard	Qualifying times accepted
Age 18-39	sub 3:45	sub 3:40:45
Age 40-44	sub 3:50	sub 3:45:45
Age 45-49	sub 3:53	sub 3:48:45
Age 50-54	sub 4:00	sub 3:55:45
Age 55-59	sub 4:05	sub 4:00:45
Age 60-64	sub 4:30	sub 4:25:45
Age 65-69	sub 5:00	sub 4:55:45
Age 70-74	sub 6:00	sub 5:55:45
Age 75-79	sub 6:20	sub 6:15:45
Age 80+	sub 6:40	sub 6:35:45

September 

Short Races

An annual highlight for many runners is the opportunity to take part in the Great North Run and the chance to pay just £58 for a half marathon. For anyone feeling flush for cash they can pay around £27 on top for an amazing 5k event the day before.

Critics might argue that in the days of parkrun, what justification is there to price gouge the public for the same length race? Well Great Run answered that criticism by ensuring everyone got a PB when they knocked 300m off the distance. Yes another big price event that can’t even get the basics right. It joins Manchester (nearly) marathon and Brighton (not) Half Marathon, the later of which was 146 metres (0.09 miles) short for THREE years. I confidently predict it will be at least November until a repeat of short courses.

Running in a furnace, and doping

The 2019 IAAF World Athletics Championships was held in Doha. This was based on their perfect climate for running at a chilly 39°c in the day and a positively arctic 29°c at night. They had to air condition THE ENTIRE STADIUM TO 25°c FOR FUCKS SAKE!

Even better is the easy transport links and strong local support for athletics leading to capacity crowds of 100, sometime 120 people. The mixed 4x400m relays was a new event for 2019 and had the honour of having more people taking part than spectating. Some lefty liberal snowflakes suggested holding events in the desert in Summer in countries that have little interest in the sport is stupid. Some couldn’t hear the complaints over the sound of their money.

CREDIT: REX

Highlights were the mens 100m final where Christian Coleman (under a cloud for failing on three occasions in 12 months to let officials know his whereabouts for drugs tests but avoiding punishment on a technicality) beat teammate Gatlin, a convicted doper. It’s the sort of clean sport image that inspires children (if they’ve been kicked in the head by a horse).

If this photo was bigger the sheer beauty of the course would make your eyes bleed (CREDIT: REX)

Of course one of the reasons to host a prestigious sporting event is the amazing coverage of the scenic country on a worldwide platform. The marathon is ideal for this being a longer event, outside of the stadium. Doha took full advantage of this by staging the event at midnight and running backwards and forwards along a dual carriageway giving everyone ample opportunity to soak up the views of some kerbs and a couple of pasting tables.

In the women’s event of 68 starters only 40 finished as the rest were overcome with excitement at the sheer beauty of the course and needed to be taken off in golf carts.  Some runners were embarrassed at being so easily distracted by the aesthetic perfection of the tarmac and unbelievably tried to blame the weather. “The humidity kills you,” said Volha Mazuronak, of Belarus, who finished fifth. “There is nothing to breathe. I thought I wouldn’t finish.” Have the courage of your convictions Volha. The perfectly lined up safety railings were too much weren’t they? I had similar issues at the Sistine Chapel.

More doping

In a shock announcement, completely out of the blue, Alberto Salazar, the American Coach was banned for four years for “orchestrating and facilitating prohibited doping conduct” after Usada concluded its investigation into the Nike Oregon Project. Countless athletes who had previously been coached by Salazar all appeared mystified and confirmed that if any doping had been occurring it was definitely the other athletes, not them, and their own massive jump in performance since being under his guidance was due to hard work only. Coincidences seemed to pop up everywhere. The announcement came during Doha so was discussed during the event on the BBC where pundit Paula Radcliffe failed to disclose her slight conflict of interest having been a Nike sponsored athlete, and married to Gary Lough, the current coach of Mo Farah who was previously under Salazar between 2011 and 2017 during his most successful period of his racing career.

October – World Records (and some not) fall

After getting so close to the barrier before, Eliud Kipchoge has a second stab at the sub2hr marathon and manages to break it in 1h59m40s. He consistently knocked out 14 minute 5ks. Have a go at your next parkrun. It’s around 2m50s per km. I can confidently say you’ll either win it outright or die trying.

The staged event was not a valid world record due to many technicalities such as pacers, and using a car with laser beams which looked pretty cool to be honest. Anything is cool with laser beams, even putting up shelves.

Nike also provided Kipchoge with a new model of the Vaporfly trainers – called AlphaFLY. The latest in a long line of performance enhancing shoes that have been worn by athletes running the five fastest marathons in history which then renewed controversy on whether the whole line of shoes should be allowed in competitions.

I used my 50% voucher from the lovely guys at Fitness Rewards life insurance to get some Nike Zoom Fly FK with the carbon fibre plate and then injured myself before being able to even wear them. I did limp around the Chicago Marathon in 3h24, 9 minutes quicker than the previous weekend in Bournemouth so they may potentially work although probably the benefit is best realised by racing snakes than tubby project managers having a midlife crisis.

Also at Chicago marathon, aside from me nearly getting a PB for most drunk during a race, the other notable performance was Kenyan runner Brigid Kosgei breaking the women’s world record set by Paula Radcliffe 16 years previously to cross the line in 2h14m04s (1m21s improvement is pretty steep). Having run the event I can confirm temperature was pretty much perfect, on a fast course, but with some blustery winds at times making such a big jump impressive for a record many considered unbeatable.

London Marathon Rejections

Being October, the annual London Marathon ballot results came out and as usual social media was awash with people who were ‘relieved as I never wanted to get in anyway’ or angry that they’d been denied again and proposed alternative ballot systems heavily weighted in their own interest. Personally I think allocation alphabetically by surname would be simplest although I was lucky enough to get in for the 2020 race so I’m quite happy with the current system, thanks for asking.

Taco & Beer God of Ultras

Just before the month ended, the legendary beer swilling, taco eating ultra runner Camille Herron won the women’s race at the International Association of Ultrarunners 24-Hour World Championship and set a world-best performance of 167.842 miles in the 24 hours.

Finally, to complete the set, the UK did a third Brexit on October 31st delivering on new PM Boris Johnson’s assurance that it would happen “come what may”, “do or die,” “no ifs or buts”. Some suggest that leaving the EU could become a monthly event or at least seasonal.

November

More short courses. Leeds Abbey Dash 2019 was found “to be short by 23 metres. This is approximately 4 seconds for athletes on a time of 29 minutes for 10k.” and any times recorded at the event will not be recognised by UKA and Power of Ten.

Florence (Firenze) Marathon had good and bad. Jess Piasecki (née Coulson) became the third fastest female in British marathon history after winning in 2:25:29. This follows follows Charlotte Purdue’s 2:25:38 in London, and Steph Twell’s 2:26:40 in Frankfurt.

All looked good for the first 42 athletes over the line in Firenze. Sadly it was later announced everyone else had run a short course “Firenze Marathon would like to communicate that due to a gas leak at km 40 along the race route of today’s marathon, in order participants’ safety, in agreement with local police and firefighters it was necessary to make a slight change to the route. Exactly 600 meters were ‘cut’ near Via Lungarno Vespucci”

I got my annual ‘Dear John’ from Berlin Marathon ballot. So signed up for NYC instead. That’ll show them. And by them I mean my Visa company as the travel package is ruinous and I’ve only got enough in book sales to buy the in-flight peanuts.

Just when Nike thought it might go a month between PR disasters, former athlete Mary Cain told the New York Times  she was “emotionally and physically abused by a system designed by Alberto and endorsed by Nike”. She claimed that Salazar (him again) pushed her to get down to 8st 2lb (about the same weight as my left calf). As a result she stopped menstruating, broke five bones, started self-harming and had suicidal thoughts. I’m no coach but I’m pretty sure these aren’t the outcomes of a well rounded and athlete-focused system. The video on Youtube is a real eye opener and details ritual public humiliation the like of which Brits have only ever seen in US fraternity hazing videos.

December

A non-man winning something, mustn’t encourage this. (Photo: Getty Images)

As usual the Sports Personality of the Year (SPOTY) award overlooks athletics and anyone without the important man junk in their pants that makes their achievements worthwhile.

The amazing Dina Asher-Smith gets a consolation third place despite being the first British woman in history to win a global gold medal in a sprint event, with her 21.88s 200m at Doha and also won a silver medal in the 100m, and again in the 4 x 100m relay. Only three medals in a year eh? Clearly not enough.

 Just off on my private jet, but stay away from single use plastics guys! (Photo: Getty Images)

Lewis Hamilton finishes second for driving a car really fast all year, against limited opposition, and virtue signalling about being vegan and saving the planet despite DRIVING A CAR REALLY FAST ALL YEAR. In his defence sometimes he leaves the car at home and takes a jet.

Outside the podium was Katarina Johnson-Thompson who ‘only’ got two golds in the Heptathlon, one at the World Championships and one in the indoor champs. If she’d done it using a car or better still, as a man she’d probably have made second place. Besides if SPOTY started recognising female athletes it might inspire future generations and lead to actual change which is never popular. Women will want the vote next and ask to join the gold club. Where would it all end? I saw a woman wearing trousers the other day. Brazenly.

A British woman being the best in the world. Best overlook this as well. (Photograph: Lucy Nicholson/Reuters)

 

 

Meat Dodging Week 7 – Xmas beers

Another week of trying to stay meat free. It’s also peak Christmas party week so keeping honest with three heavy(ish) nights is a challenge.

Work and life commitments meant mileage is well down again but pint consumption is high enough for someone to arrange an intervention.

Monday –
3 mile run with dog before work. Kept it gentle.
Then dash over to Northampton for site works. Lack of prep (again) means skipped breakfast. I did manage to plan lunch better though and had cheese mayo rolls, apple and banana with some nuts.

Back home and have some leftover falafel pesto pasta I made up and froze previously then head out for a meeting.

I was lucky enough to be one of two runners picked for a local competition to be a sponsored athlete with coaching by Clean Coach Katie, sports massage by Rudi at The Treatment Lab, and a gait analysis and trainers by Dionne at Up & Running Milton Keynes. I know Katie from local races, Rudi managed to fix my knee for Chicago when I could barely walk three weeks before, and Dionne hosted the book launch party at the old Up & Running store (now moved to fancy new premises over the road) so I’m not as nervous as I would normally be. I also met the other athlete Anastasia, who’s targeting Manchester marathon so has a training plan starting immediately. As I’m running London I have a few weeks grace before mine starts so can concentrate on taste testing mince pies and festive food.

Once back home I was peckish so went peanut butter on wholemeal bagel.

Tuesday – 
Granola breakfast and coffee.
Grab a banana and chocolate croissant on way to site. I’d planned to pop to the café next door for lunch but after a lot of site issues we don’t have time. I survive on mince pies until home time. Just about. Before going out for 6m40s paced run session I’m fully rungry so make a cheese sandwich which I regret for the entire run. It’s blowing a gale, I can feel the sandwich in my stomach and my pace sucks. 4 very slow miles. The post run photo is everyone else looking for me….

Being Christmas it’s the first of the festivities so the run group meet at the pub for dinner and drinks. The Ship Ashore in Willen has a gas issue it transpires, can’t cook much, and of the half dozen options left on the menu they can do, it’s only the veggie burger that’s suitable. It’s good though and washed down with beer whilst we chat rubbish.

Wednesday –
After failing to get out of bed last week I drag myself for the 9 mile run at 5am. It’s cold and dark. Builders have left a digger blocking the way and we have to clamber around and through bushes but I manage a respectable overall pace then hit the road for a long drive to Stoke and back (just by Alton Towers but sadly no time for a quick go on Nemesis).

I stop on route and can only fine McDonalds so go for the Egg McMuffin with cheese and large coffee.
The journey back is plagued with traffic, accidents and I end up at two service stations to make conference calls. I give in to the smell at one and buy some chips for lunch as the noodle place has no veggie option.
Still with the noodles in my head, once home I knock up beef and veggie noodles for the kids, and a tofu version for me. Stir Fry is a pretty easy way of switching in and out the meat and hiding some veggies.

Then wife and I pop to the Core Class put on by Clean Coach Katie. My first go and I manage to not die or get thrown out but I’m again reminded how inflexible I am. One exercise starts laying on your back with legs in the air at 90 degrees. You then attempt to reach as far up your straight legs as you can, ideally touching your toes. I can’t even get my legs to go straight up. There isn’t enough ligament for that to happen so I resort to bent legs and rubbing my knees like a dirty old man.

 

Thursday – 
3 miles with dog before work then grab the train to Manchester for work conference. Just time for a takeaway omelette on way.

The venue was a hotel in city centre so I expected lunch to go well. I was wrong. Everything had meat. Even the potato salad had bacon. FFS. So I had to beg the waitress for some bread and demolished the cheese board with some limp lettuce salad and grapes. Pretty poor show for a large hotel catering to conferences.

Dinner was a team meal out and a novel take on Christmas dinner, done as a fondue, so a tray of stuff to dip into a burning pot of gravy. Meat for the murderers whilst us social outcasts were down one end with veg sausages, spuds, cauliflower, waffle, other nameless veg, stuffing, chickpea balls. Really tasty and evidence you don’t need meat if the chef actually has a clue. Dessert is same but with fruit and chocolate sauce.

We then went out for a few beers. Ended up at 4am in Burger King which was a test of my resolve as drunk Mark is even more partial to meat than sober Mark. Managed to stick to onion rings and chips as everything else was meat.

Friday – 
Woke up a little jaded so missed a morning run. Wolfed down a breakfast from hotel and ran for train. The speed of breakfast was made easier by lack of choice. No veggie sausages or much for the meat dodgers so basically beans and a fried egg. If you were Vegan you’d just have beans and disappointment. Beginning to think the hotel manager has something against vegetarians. 
A little delicate for lunch so a medicinal bag of salty crisps and then a mushroom and veggie stroganoff for dinner made by the wife with beef or tofu options.

Saturday –

9 mile run in woods. Was really enjoying it until Chris went past and advised us to pick our feet up on the downhill and go for it. I was just about to remind him I have a recent history of falling over in the woods when I fell over in the woods. Hard. I’m told the noise I made was very loud as I found the one section of the whole 9 miles that wasn’t inches deep in mud.  I scraped hands and legs pretty badly but soldiered on. Later attempts to wind up Chris with staged photos were met with limited enthusiasm. Spoilsport.

After the run I dashed straight to boys footie so just a rain soaked cereal bar breakfast.
I was holding off for a slap up lunch, and we went to the local Black Horse Pub with my mum. With a crisis of indecision I continued my exhaustive survey of veggie burgers of the world then brownie for dessert.
The evening was the Lakeside Runners Xmas do, with a big buffet at the Brewhouse & Kitchen. My third night of liver abuse in a week. My comedy arm sling did elicit some brief sympathy but slowed down my drinking. The buffet was decent but unlabelled so I worked my way down and annoyed people by insisting they eat a sample from each dish to check for meat, like some taste tester to royalty. After exhaustive checks I confirmed the beer had no meant in it either but figured have many more pints to make sure.

Sunday – 
Oddly enough a little too jaded for the morning run so instead spent it decorating cake with the daughter for cousins birthday party. Didn’t come out too bad considering I’m an engineer, didn’t know what I was doing and was attempting to make a bear into a panda.

Quick fried egg buttie for breakfast then out to the party to help decorate and then eat all the veggie sandwiches, veg sticks, chips and dip. I had what I thought was houmous dip at one point but was likely taramasalata so accidentally ate my first fish in 7 weeks. Apparently being colour blind is a bit of a hindrance when developing a self-imposed eating issue.

Meat Dodging Week 6

6th week of being a vegetarian. Still a little wiped out from last weeks bug. Combination of hectic work and home life means usual lack of planning on food.

Monday – 4am start for Somerset, no way was I making breakfast before. Egg McMuffin breakfast with hash brown. Cheese roll, nuts and apple for lunch (did manage to pack a lunch for once). Manage a 10k with dog in evening but lacking in energy after a 16 hour day. For late dinner we try vegetable curry with cauliflower rice, made in the slow cooker. Cauliflower rice is one of the most pointless things created. Would rather eat packaging foam. The curry is OK but missing something, not necessarily meat as I like veg curry, but just not quite there. 

Tuesday – Early start train to London. Missed connections mean a hasty stop for food, vegetable samosa from an authentic local shop and some fruit. Too busy for lunch so grab a vegan sausage roll on way back. Go to the club paced session. Start with the 7:30min/mile paced session and feel good so gradually push and manage four progressive miles, a big improvement on last week when I got slower every mile. Dinner is freezer surprise so cheese melt with bread. Another example of being too busy to plan properly.

Wednesday – Wake up in time for the 5am run. Feel knackered from a poor sleep and go back to bed. I’ve done this run for about 4 years and rarely miss it. Lazy bastard. Full day of meetings planned so sit on my arse, and achieve a massive 2000 steps all day showing just how inactive my work can be. Toast, apple, banana breakfast. Lunch of humus, nuts, raisins and cheese sandwich.  Manage to squeeze in a 5k with dog in the dark and fog after the boys footie practice. Pace is pathetic after such an inactive day. Something for dinner I can’t even remember.

Thursday – Morning 10k with dog as not going to make club run. Neither she nor I have much interest in pace so it’s gentle and scenic. Way too much cool stuff to sniff and investigate. Working from home so mostly teleconferences and spreadsheets. Cereal breakfast, a late lunch of omelette. Usual busy Thursday evening dropping daughter to Guides, then wife to Christmas party, then back for Guides. Skip dinner, miss club run on taxi duty, early night in bed.

Friday – Fail to run all day. Granola breakfast, cheese sandwich with apple for lunch. A manic day with work and then a low life smashing the wife’s car window whilst parked up at her work makes it busier with repair and dropping to garage hassle so it’s straight out to the local micro-brewery organising a social run. Gentle 5 miler before a few beers. Gary and I get pizzas from across the road to soak up the beer. I go for the vegetable Vesuvius, laden with vegetables and enough chilli to make me cry. It’s even got pineapple on. Normally I’d suggest pineapple on pizza only a few notches below bestiality in terms of wrongness but it’s not bad.

Saturday –  Home baked cinnamon rolls for breakfast. No footie for boy today so a rare full family breakfast and this was their choice. Nip out to parkrun with dog. A relatively slow paced run and my 165^th parkrun. My 100^th was 4 years to the day so it’s going to be a while before I get to 250. Lunch of meat free sausage butty with fried egg (bacon for kids). Dinner of potato pakora, pesto pasta with not enough vegetables.

Sunday – Sloth kicks in again and I missed the morning run. Cereal breakfast, then off to watch the boy in his first rugby match. Great performance and making the most of his size! Lunch of falafel and lettuce roll. An afternoon of DIY at the in-laws then macaroni cheese and salad for dinner. Yeah pasta for dinner two nights running, and no running today. Total weekend mileage of 4. Made all the worse as seemingly every runner I know is running the MK Winter Half this day, often with PBs, or chalking up some marathons. I’ve managed to fit some decorative moulding around a kitchen. On the positive side I’m taking a rare rest and recovery period from running.

-—

Next week looks to be equally busy with travel and an Xmas party so expect majority of calories will be beer based and miles will be few. On the plus side I have my first meeting with Clean Coach Katie for start of my marathon training plan for London.

Meat Dodging Week 5 – bleurgh

After some hectic work weeks this was the week I planned to get organised. Then the bug the kids had the previous week hit and goal was to finish the day without wearing my stomach contents.

Monday – porridge breakfast after a 5k with dog. Vegan sausage roll for lunch as only thing on food van I could stomach. Dinner I felt a bit off and stick to toast.

Tuesday – morning 5k with dog. Omelette breakfast with apple. Fun packed day on train, tube and tram through London and back. Manage to get lunch at 4 and inhale a cheese salad sandwich. Dinner of pasta salad with spinach, pesto, tomato and feta. Maybe the bug was a one day wonder? I feel OK. Do the club run and attempt a 7 min mile before 4 at 6:40 pace. Fail miserably. Not a one day wonder bug after all.

Wednesday – wake up for the 5am 9 miler. Throat feels like I’ve been gargling a cactus. Go back to bed. Breakfast granola, and a 10k gently with dog. Can’t face lunch much so cheese sandwich and apple. Dinner I push around the plate and can’t eat.

Thursday – morning 5k with dog and an egg sandwich from cafe on way to site. Doesn’t sit well. Can’t face lunch. Can’t face dinner. Manage some toast. Yep the kids bug has got me. Miss the club run and in bed by 7pm.

Friday – Still feel rough so skip the Friday dog jog. Long day on train to Liverpool and back. Toast for breakfast as all I can face. Pasta salad for lunch as learnt for Tuesday it sits OK. Manage a short dog run once back. For dinner I make some vegan sausage toad in the hole with vegetables. Kids love it and I manage to eat some of it before going to bed early whilst wife is at Xmas party. This bug sucks.

Saturday – Manage parkrun then a cold footie match with boy. Fallafel, houmous and salsa bagel whilst shopping is the most substantial food I’ve kept down all week. Dinner we raid the freezer for food, so spring rolls, cheese sticks, veg sticks. It’s small finger food and seems ok.

Sunday – manage 10 mile run and longest of the week. Wife has made cottage cheese, blueberry and protein pancakes for my return. Cheese sandwich lunch and I rustle up a roast chicken dinner with spuds and veg for family and mum (minus the chicken for me).

The upside of all off missed food I will likely have lost some timber. Nope.

A week of barely eating, feeling like I want to vomit, and managed to gain weight. Amazing…..