Jaffa Oranges & Running – Vasectomy!

By random coincidence have had two conversations recently with runners regarding their forthcoming or planned vasectomies.  I know from experience there is very little out their handling the topic from a runners view point so prompted a post.

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The science bit 

If you’re in any doubt, a vasectomy is an operation to stop the sperm on their exciting journey to your pork sword by means of cutting, blocking or sealing the tubes.  This way you can’t pollute/add to the gene pool further but you do still need to think about other protection STI etc.

It is NOT removal of the two veg, leaving only meat. It’s ‘just’ cutting the link between.  You will still be whole and a real man, able to fight bears and chop wood even if your own wood is a little tender for a few days.  The rifle will still work but you’ll be firing blanks.  To the disappointment of one colleague this does not mean a ‘mess free’ finish either so don’t sell your shares in Kleenex just yet.

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NHS 

For UK readers this can be done by the NHS.  Make an appointment to see your doctor and he/she will talk you through the op (very briefly in my case as the doctor wasn’t even sure how it happened or if done on the NHS and mostly used Google).  If you’re very young or currently without kids they may refuse.  If you’re like most applicants and have a suitable number of offspring he’ll refer you to the consultant.  After a cursory discussion and without even buying you dinner the consultant will have a good root around in your recreation area and inspect your sack in a manner no lady ever will.  Given he’s looking for angle of attack and incision you best hope no lady ever has the same intention.

The Procedure 

All being OK you’ll be given a date to arrive and two tablets.  I’m rubbish at names so can’t recall but my Pharmacist friend advised they were VERY good and the sort of drugs people get addicted to.  On the morning you pop the two tablets 30 mins before and get someone (NOT YOU AS YOU’RE ABOUT TO BE OUT YOUR BRAIN) to drop you at the surgery.  In my case it was done as an outpatients at the local doctors surgery.

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DO NOT TAKE THE DRUGS LIKELY

I seldom take aspirin never mind proper drugs.  How good could these really be?  VERY.  In minutes went from normal to that perfect stage of drunkenness where everyone is wonderful, everything is a good idea and if you’re too near a zoo would see you climb into the Lion enclosure to ‘pet the pretty pussy cat’.

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Once sufficiently off your face the consultant basically makes an incision, pulls the tubes out and either cuts, cauterises or otherwise blocks, shoving it back in and closes with some superglue.  If you’ve got a soldering iron and a steady hand you could do the same.

Advice is to wear very supportive old man Y-fronts for a few days or some nice running compression wear.  Go home, have a nap.

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Running After

All people vary but assuming the consultant knows what he’s doing you’ll have minor bruising and a little tenderness.  It’s no worse than a filling from a decent dentist.  I felt great and on a drug high awoke from the afternoon nap and went to stack firewood mere hours after.  My darling wife was less keen on this and used disparaging comments to describe my choice of recovery.  Fortunately I was still too high to recall but I think I was accused of being a silly bunt.

As regards running, key element is to keep those supportive pants on and take it easy.  My op was Saturday AM and I avoiding running until Tuesday, and then took the session (hill reps) very gently and basically jogged along at the back.  If you feel any discomfort or issues then STOP.

Within a week I was back to doing the normal weekly mileage albeit a little slower and by two weeks was back to normal.  If you have an event booked I’d allow a full month before attempting that 10k PB.

There will always be that one bloke at work that post chop will play up to the crowd, take several days off and then use as an excuse to avoid getting the coffee round in for the next month as ‘still a bit tender’.  He’s milking it.  Don’t be that guy.  You’ve run with blisters the size of eggs on your feet and your shorts chaffing you in places you can’t apply vaseline to in public.

Long Term Effects on Running

There aren’t any.  You won’t be any faster or slower as a result so will need a better reason why your clubmate smashes you at the next parkrun.

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